When the Bully is Their Boyfriend/Girlfriend

Know the signs

 

Nearly half of adult sex offenders report committing their first sexual offenses prior to the age of 18.  -National Teen Dating Violence Prevention Initiative

Half of the reported date rapes occur among teenagers. -National Teen Dating Violence Prevention Initiative

57% of teens know someone who has been physically, sexually, or verbally abusive in a dating relationship. -National Teen Dating Violence Prevention Initiative

Liz hadn’t even sat down in the counselor’s office before she burst into tears.  When she was able to speak Liz said, “I really liked my boyfriend at first.  I thought he was so cool because he’s older, out of high school and stuff.  Not too long after we started dating he told me he was going to pick me up after school.  I thought that was cool.  Then he insisted that he come and pick me up for lunch too.  O.K., but now he won’t let me go to any games or anything.  I’m not allowed to see my friends.  I hate it!”

“Did you tell him you wanted to spend time with your high school friends?”

“Yeah.  It made him really mad.  He didn’t hit me or anything, but he yelled and told me to quit being immature.”

“What about your parents?  Have you told them about the situation?”

“Sort of, but my parents really like him so they don’t understand.”

“Liz,” Mrs. Hendrickson said, “what do you want me to do to help you?”

Liz stood quickly.  “Nothing.  I guess I just wanted to talk.  I’ll take care of it.”  Liz bolted out the door.  Mrs. Hendrickson made a mental note to keep an eye on Liz.

Within two days, Mrs. Hendrickson was passing through the hall after lunch.  Outside the front doors she noticed Liz in a car out front with her boyfriend.  Mrs. Hendrickson stopped to watch.  Liz tried to move to the car door, but her boyfriend grabbed her arm and pulled her to him.  Liz was crying and the boyfriend was yelling. 

Mrs. Hendrickson saw enough.  She ran to the principal’s office and told him what was going on.  He grabbed the SRO and the three of them went to the car where Liz was being held captive. 

The principal and the SRO went to the driver’s side to escort the boyfriend into the office.  Mrs. Hendrickson opened the passenger door.  “Liz, come with me.” 

Liz was thankful for the help and the support she received.  She ended the relationship with her boyfriend.  Liz’s boyfriend agreed never to return to school property or speak to Liz again if there were no charges pressed against him.  He kept his end of the bargain, and Liz returned to being the fun-loving student everyone knew.

February is national teen dating violence awareness and prevention month. Dating abuse is a form of bullying, and perhaps the most confusing form of harassment for adolescents. After all, they are being abused by the person who supposedly loves them.

An estimated 1 in 3 teens in a dating relationship have been verbally, emotionally, sexually or physically abused.  Here are some things you can do to help teens in abusive relationships:        

• Don’t be the bystander.  Doing nothing will only encourage the harasser.

• Encourage the victim to talk to a trusted adult even if it’s not you.  If they don’t report and abuse persists or becomes severe, you have to take charge.

• What to say (open-ended questions):
  • What does your ideal relationship look like?  Is this relationship close to that ideal?
  • Do you feel respected in your relationship?  Why or why not?
  • Does your boyfriend/girlfriend make you feel good about yourself?
  • How are you going to get out of this relationship?
  • Who can you count on for immediate help?
  • Who are some adults you could go to if your boyfriend/girlfriend treats you badly?
  • How can I help you?

• What to do:
  • Model assertive relationships
  • Rehearse the break-up with the teen
  • Set age appropriate dating limits
  • Create a safety plan that includes places, people and resources that make the victim feel safe
  • Listen to the teen and guide (which is not giving advice) their decision making
  • Assure the teen they don’t deserve to be abused and real love doesn’t involve abuse
  • Encourage the teen to report or seek help from an adult they trust
  • Report the abuse to the authorities if you feel the teen is in physical danger

You may have noticed what you say or do does not include making them break up with their abusive boyfriend/girlfriend.  Trying to make teens do anything usually has the opposite effect.  A more effective strategy is to allow them to come to their own conclusion that the relationship isn’t good for them.  You can also let them know you are there for them and that you care first and foremost for their safety which may include reporting to protect them.

I Always Feel Like Somebody’s Watching Me

I always feel like somebody’s watching me
And I have no privacy
I always feel like somebody’s watching me
Tell me is it just a dream

In this old song, Rockwell captures the feeling that most victims of stalking feel. But it is not a dream. Victims of stalking should know that if they feel like their privacy has been stolen by another, it is stalking. January is Stalking Awareness Month. Because stalking is a form of harassment, it is one of the topics I discuss in Hey, Back Off!  Therefore, this blog provides excerpts from my book and will provide a definition of stalking as well as some things victims can and should do if it is happening to them.

Stalking is a form of harassment and bullying.  Harassment itself is unwanted attention, but stalking takes it a step further.  The victim is unable to ever be away from their harasser.  The victim is followed or put under surveillance.  It violates the victim’s right to privacy. Naturally, when a person’s privacy is taken away they fear for their safety.  Stalking has to be taken very seriously because if it is not stopped it can lead to a serious crime against the victim.  This is why stalking is illegal in all 50 states.

It is an incredibly frightening thing for the victim to know someone is watching.  Because of this, stalking creates a hostile environment.  Example behaviors of stalking are: following, watching the victim’s house or other places the victim will be, unwanted calls or texts, sending unwanted emails or notes.  Whether something is stalking or not is the decision of the victim.  This is important for victims to understand.  If you feel like you are being stalked, then you are and you need to take action to stop it.

Psychologists split stalkers into three different categories.

Love Obsession – The stalker has a fixation on a person even though there is not, nor ever has been, a personal relationship with their victim.

Erotomania - This stalker, like the Love Obsession stalker, harasses someone with whom they have no relationship.  The difference between the two is that the Erotomania stalker believes, or wants to believe, their victim loves them.  The target is often a well-known person.  This could be the popular person at work or a famous actor or actress.

Simple Obsession – This is probably the one we hear of most often.  It is the type of stalking that is triggered by rejection.  There is a previous relationship like a marriage, boyfriend/girlfriend relationship, friendship, etc.  When they are rejected, the stalker ‘gets back at them’ or ‘tries to get them back’ through stalking.

The popular myth is that stalkers are mostly harmless.  However, this statement would be made by the person who isn’t being stalked.  It is true that not all stalking incidences turn violent, but some of them do.  Even if the stalker never gets violent, there is the invasion of privacy.  Nobody likes that feeling of being watched.  Any time someone is made to feel uncomfortable, that’s not harmless.

Dealing with a stalker is stressful and sometimes difficult.  The victim is unable to be away from their harasser.  The victim is put under surveillance.  Their right to privacy is violated so naturally they fear for their safety.  Stalking situations are severe and persistent harassment and should be reported.  Take stalking seriously because often times it leads to a serious crime.  You can try telling them they are making you uncomfortable.  Do not accuse them of being a stalker.  This will put them on the defensive and they could become more unpredictable.  Make sure you talk to them in a safe situation like a public place.   If that doesn’t work, report.  See the tips below.

What to say: I feel like you’re following me. I see or hear from you too often. I feel uncomfortable when you say or write … I think you pay too much attention to me and it makes me uncomfortable. I’m going to get help. What to do: Be assertive – remain calm, but be direct Report Make sure the who, when and where of your safety plan is in place. Change your phone number, email address, lock the stalker out of your social networks (Facebook, MySpace, Twitter) Change your routines where you can Involve law enforcement

It is often impossible for victims of stalking to feel safe and secure.  Combating the fear that victims feel, as well as the stalker, requires getting your sense of safety back.  A good way to do this is to have a plan.  This plan should include safe places you can go, safe people to be with, what to do when you’re in crisis, who you can report to and resources that are available to you.  It should also include a password to let your friends and family members know when you are in trouble.  Using a password will get you help without tipping off the stalker that reinforcements are on the way.  Having these things in place may also convince the harasser you are not an easy target.

As well as having a safety plan in place with your allies in life, don’t be alone and always let someone know where you’re going to be.  Change your cell phone number if the stalker is using that number to get to you.  With most cell phone companies changing the number is free.  There are a small number of them that charge a fee of around $15.  Change your email address and lock them out of your social networking sites like Facebook and LinkedIn.  Social network sites, at least good ones, have ways to lock people out or delete them from your network.  Change your routines so you are unpredictable and therefore harder to stalk.

Many stalkers are cowards and won’t pursue you when it becomes difficult to do so.  If the stalker doesn’t back off, you always have the option of getting the law involved.  Your right to privacy, safety and security is protected.

Thankful for the Loading Chute Bar and Cafe

I am soon to start a new job.  While interviewing for the position, I discovered that my soon to be boss has a brother-in-law from Carey, a small Idaho town of less than a thousand residents.  It turns out I have known his brother-in-law since we began Kindergarten together.  This connection and the fact that I haven’t started a new job in sixteen years has made me somewhat sentimental.  I began to think about my first job.

My first job was at The Loading Chute Bar and Cafe in Carey.  I was only thirteen.  My dad had just finished his master’s degree in administration and was trying to find a job.  He had taken the previous year off to finish this degree.  My mom was a teacher at Carey Elementary.  As you can imagine, we were a little low on funds.  My grandma was friends with the couple who owned The Loading Chute so she called in a favor so I would have some money to buy school clothes.

My duties were to do whatever needed to be done.  I think I may have been hired to bus tables and wash dishes, but I ended up also waitressing, cleaning, doing cooking preparation and when the farm help got paid you could find me on the bar side pouring beer.  Leon didn’t pay much attention to labor laws, and neither did his wife.

One of my tasks on Saturday nights was to serve Barbara a wine cooler so she could, in her words, “Make it through another damned Sunday leading the church choir cause they sound like shit.”  If the choir was doing something special that Sunday, I had to have two ready to go for her.

I didn’t mind the work, particularly listening to the cranky old eccentricities of Leon and Barbara.  I just thought it was cool to have a job and make my own money.  I wasn’t crazy about cleaning toilets or being hit on by drunk men in the bar, however.  But my parents taught me a strong sense of work ethic and I knew that this was something I was doing to help out my family.

My parents always told my brother and I that we were going to get a college degree.  Looking back on it, my job at The Loading Chute taught me the reasons why I wanted to go to college.  First jobs are meant to teach us what we don’t want to do with our lives.  My first job did that.  I think it was then that my parents’ goals for me became my goals.  That was the most important lesson I learned.  Of course, there were other things I learned like how to work with others, the customer is always right and of course, the perfect temperature to serve a wine cooler and how to pour a good beer.

I’m not advocating for teens to go to work at age thirteen, but I am saying that if you want kids to develop a work ethic and be intrinsically motivated to get an education, a job is not a bad way to go.

How’s Your Teen’s Summer Job?

By now, teens working for the summer are at least half-way through the period of summer employment. Perhaps they are even considering staying on and working as a part-time employee. Therefore, now is a good time to discuss how the experience is going and, perhaps most importantly, how their boss is treating them. Whether working just for the summer or planning to work during the school year, the first work experiences are important. Teens need fair employers.
Ed, a convenience store manager, expected his teen employee Jessica to work every weekend and every holiday. When school started, Jessica remained on the job. She was still required to work weekends and on school nights she rarely made it home before eleven. According to the labor laws in most states, minors can work forty hours per week in the summer and twenty hours per week during the school year, and there are limitations for how late they work on school nights. Jessica was never paid for overtime or holidays, and although she went above and beyond, she was never given a promotion or raise either. Not only did Ed break multiple laws, he took advantage of a teen employee who was eager to please.
You can find the specific child labor laws for your state at: http://www.youthrules.dol.gov/states.htm.
Teens are attractive to employers because they are cheap labor. Although the vast majority of employers follow child labor laws and are cognizant of teens’ need for social and academic time, there are those, like Ed, who take advantage of teens. Parents should know the labor laws for minors, be aware of teens’ social and academic needs and guide them in dealing with bad bosses.
Parents have to protect their teen’s time. It is an investment in their future. If a teen is working a part time job while going to school, he or she needs time to do well in school. Education is their first priority. If a working teen’s grades start to suffer, it’s time to look at the work schedule. Perhaps a look at study and time management skills wouldn’t be a bad idea either.
Teens are still kids, and as kids, they need time to play and they need time with family. Parents don’t want a teen whose biggest life regret is that they didn’t experience the fun of being young because they were working. One of the questions parents should be asking right now is whether a teen feels like they’ve been able to have some fun this summer. There is no amount of money worth missing out on this important time of life. Sometimes parents need to remind teens of this fact.
Parents can give teens suggestions for what to say to their boss, but if things don’t change, parents also need to give permission to leave the job. Teens need assurance that they aren’t failing and they aren’t giving up. It’s actually the opposite, if they leave a job where they are being taken advantage of, they are demonstrating courage and ensuring their future success and happiness. Parenting a working teen is another one of those fine lines between allowing teens to be independent while still parenting. Be the parent who doesn’t allow their teen to be taken advantage of by a bad boss.
(http://www.heygetajob.com)