expectations

In the seventh grade, students called Tom gay, shoved, pushed, hit and played keep away with his things.  Harassers sent him messages via text and computer threatening his physical well-being and directing Tom to kill himself.  After a particularly nasty incident in band class, the boys involved, including Tom, were sent to administration.  The principal decided that what these boys needed was to, ‘learn how to get along.’  She required them to do a service project together.  This made Tom feel as if he was at fault, and it certainly did not make his situation better.  It did make Tom refuse to seek help again.

By the end of Tom’s seventh grade year, his bullying was so severe, persistent and pervasive, he developed stress related illnesses.  Tom would shake uncontrollably at times, and at others, he would simply fall down.  On the first day of his eighth grade year, Tom fell seven times.  Tom’s grandparents, who were his legal guardians, were worried.  They took him to see countless doctors,  he was hospitalized for three days, and he missed a lot of school.  There were meetings with the school, 504 plans developed, but no one made a connection between bullying and Tom’s symptoms.

When Tom became suicidal, his grandparents pulled him out of his school and placed him in a different school district.  They got him help through private counseling.  Today, Tom is doing well and speaks out about his experience because he and his grandparents want to educate others about the seriousness of the bullying epidemic happening in our country.  They do not blame educators, nor do they blame themselves.  They simply see a need for education, communication and a willingness to work together as communities, schools, parents and children to stop harassment.

Unfortunately, Tom’s story is not an uncommon one.  Fighting the current bullying epidemic must begin somewhere.  If harassment is going to be stopped, it will take educators, parents and students working together.  In order to be effective, this team will need leaders.  Are you prepared to take ownership of the problem and become a leader in order to stop bullying?

Parents and adults who work with kids have to be there for them.  The difficulty in this, of course, is children often do not want to talk about their victimization.  Whether they are speaking or not, there are things we can do.

• Become educated about harassment.  Know what constitutes harassment and the laws and policies surrounding it.   Then can you provide support, guidance and empathy.   Thomas needed educated adults to help him.
• Trust your instincts.  If you feel like there is something wrong, there is.  Pay attention to changes in routines, appearance, behavior, friends and activities.  Thomas’ grades dropped, he quit band and he became ill.
• Ask open-ended questions.  It takes perseverance and open-ended questions to get kids to talk.  Be sure to focus on what happened or what is happening rather than feelings.  For example, Thomas, you’ve always enjoyed band, why don’t you want to be a band member?

• Practice genuine listening.  Don’t lecture or give advice.  Allow kids to come to solutions on their own.  Thomas needed someone to listen.  What he got was unhelpful advice.
• Help kids become assertive.  Assertive people act in their own best interest without hurting others, stand up for themselves, are proactive, have integrity, are respected team members and leaders, and are not afraid to ask for help.  Helping kids become assertive is pointing them toward a lifetime of happiness.  In order to truly guide children to assertiveness, however, you must first be an assertive personality yourself.

With the help of private counseling, family and others, Thomas is an assertive, happy young man.  His story, however, makes us realize that if the adults in his life would have been assertive, educated and ready to listen, his harassment could have been stopped much sooner.

http://www.heybackoff.com

I said, “See that group over there? They’re English and they get a tour guide.  Want to blend in with them?”

“How are we going to blend in Jen?” Jeanne asked.  “There’s nobody under the age of sixty five and they’re clean and nicely dressed.  We look like crap.”

Jeanne was a Barbie look alike, so if she thought she looked like crap, it must be so. I ran a hand through my unruly brown hair and attempted to smooth the wrinkles from my shirt.  I realized that we looked like three college girls experiencing the ultimate freedom of traveling Europe with nothing but a backpack and a Eurorail pass.  It had been two days since our last shower and longer since we washed our clothes.  But still, it was my idea to visit Auschwitz and I was set on having a guide.

I stopped attempting to primp.  “I’m not saying we need to walk arm in arm with them.  Just act casual.”

“Those are famous last words aren’t they?” Bert said, but she was already gathering her jet black hair away from her round, native Alaskan face to put in a pony.

I took my place on the fringe of the group.  Jeanne and Bert attempted to hide behind my 5’ 11” thin frame.  A white haired man with a name tag attached to a yellow sweater vest approached.  He said with a Polish accent, “Is this my group?  Please follow me.”

We purposely hung back and arrived last at a large black metal gate.  At the top of the gate was written Arbeit Macht Frei.

“Good afternoon, my name is Peter.”  Despite his accent, he was easy to understand.  “I have lived in this area my whole life.  I was a boy when the Nazis came, and I was barely a teen when they started to use Auschwitz for exterminations.  Everyone who was able from the area was made to work for them.  My job was to unload suitcases from train cars when the prisoners arrived.  If I did not work, if I refuse, then my family would be killed or become prisoner here.”

Bert, Jeanne and I glanced at one another.  We were no longer lighthearted.

Peter gestured to the sign.  “It means work makes freedom.  The prisoners were to believe if they worked hard the Nazis would let them go.”  He walked through the gate.  His tour group followed obediently.

I never believed in ghosts, spirits or the supernatural in general.  That was, until I walked through that gate.  When Bert audibly deflated and Jeanne grabbed my shirt at the elbow, I knew I wasn’t the only one who felt an oppressive presence.  The place was haunted.

Peter’s tone was reverent.  “The grounds you see in front of you did not look like this then.”

He paused while we scanned lush lawn surrounding red brick buildings and young trees lining a dirt road before continuing.  “You see, prisoners ate grass, leaves, tree bark, anything that grew.  Sometimes they ate the dirt.”  He pointed to the high fence wrapped with razor wire surrounding the camp.  Signs were placed about every ten feet warning of electrocution.  “Guards were stationed by the fence not so prisoners could not escape, but so they wouldn’t run into the fence to end their suffering.”

Peter walked toward one of the buildings.  I was no longer sure I wanted to see a concentration camp.  I was experiencing history.  I could feel it in the pit of my stomach.

Peter told us over his shoulder we were entering what had once been the women’s block.  The bunks were removed to make room for displays.  We entered a spacious room with enlarged photos on the walls.  “Guards took these photos,” Peter said.  “They wanted to document everything here.”

I was particularly horrified by a picture of a long line of children marching to death, too young to be useful.  Other photos captured emaciated, unreal looking people working at various hard labor tasks.  All those abused people were not looking at a camera, they were looking at me.

Sitting in history classes at school I thought I knew what it was all about.  I knew nothing because I never felt anything regarding World War II.  I didn’t see the connection between the atrocities that happened then and those that occur because of prejudice and intolerance every day in our so-called modern society.

Peter spoke, but I didn’t listen.  I was captivated by all those people in the pictures who saw my prejudices, knew about those times when I was the bully, and perhaps worse, the times when I didn’t stand up for a victim because it didn’t have anything to do with me.  The photos weren’t on display for me.  I was on display for them.  I didn’t like what they saw.  I turned away.

“Jews were not the only targets,” Peter said.  “There were also Gypsies, Jehovah’s Witnesses, criminals and homosexuals.”  Peter gestured to a collage of labels.  “The Star of David, of course, was the Jews, Jehovah’s Witnesses wore violet triangles, criminals a green triangle, homosexuals a pink triangle.”

I glanced at Jeanne.  Her features were stone.  Neither of my friends fit Hitler’s master race.  Bert was an Eskimo and Jeanne would wear a pink triangle.  The hollowness in my stomach went to a new depth.

We filed out of the women’s block and went to an identical building.  Peter stood aside as we entered.  I concentrated on the man in front of me much like I did walking to lunch in elementary school so I wouldn’t get out of line and into trouble.  When he stopped, I did too.

I looked past the man.  I wasn’t sure what I was seeing at first.  The room we were in was large but had been partitioned by a floor to ceiling wall of Plexiglas.  Behind the glass was a mountain of human hair.

Peter cleared his throat.  “The hair was shaved whether they were to live or die.  This is only a small portion of what was found.  Some of it had already been used.”

I thought, “Used?  For what?”

As if in answer to my question, Peter said, “It was woven into cloth for soldier uniforms and blankets.  As a reward, the guards would give us things like blankets and soap.  The soap was made from human fat.  My mother was a good woman.  When I came home with the gifts, she handed me a shovel.  I buried them in the yard late at night so no one would see.”  He led us to another room.

The room was smaller, but still partitioned by Plexiglas.  In it was a pile of eye glasses.  The next room contained personal items like hair brushes, next, religious items, and then one containing prosthetics.  Yet another room was shoes separated into adult and children’s.  Each thing was like a new punch in the gut as I realized these people were eliminated because they were different or weak, and yet despite being decades past the Holocaust we were still abusing those among us who didn’t quite fit.

“This is the last,” Peter said softly as he pointed to a doorway.  The last room was larger than most of the others, but not quite as big as the first.  Behind the Plexiglass were suitcases, all black, all with names and addresses written in white.  I imagined they were empty but had once contained the owner’s most prized possessions.

Bert bumped me and pointed to one of the suitcases at the bottom.  Printed in neat, white letters was the name Margot Frank.

Peter noticed us and said, “It is the suitcase of Anne Frank’s sister.  The family, except the father of course, died here.  Come, there is more I want you to see.”  Peter walked outside.

I wished we could stay where the sun was shining and the sky was a brilliant blue.  And I could breathe.

The next building displayed inmate photos as well as paintings and drawings done by the prisoners.  The pictures were taken upon arrival, one from the front and one from the side.  The subjects were fearful as if they were realizing where they were and what their future held.  There wasn’t the emotional vacancy I saw in the photos of the first building we visited.  They were yet to be broken.

From there we went to another building.  Large rooms were packed with wooden bunks, three beds high, no mattresses.  They were shelves for people.  Some had one ratty see through thin wool blanket, a bowl and a spoon laying on them.  Peter waved us in a new direction.

We went to an enclosed courtyard where they did role call and held public executions.  My only thought was how beautiful the red roses were in front of the shooting wall.  I was having a difficult time staying present.

Back on the road Peter said, “It is a beautiful day today isn’t it?”  I wanted so much for him to end there, but he didn’t.  “We had no days like today back then.  The sky was thick with smoke and ash fell like snow.  They say you can dig four meters before you find dirt instead of ash for kilometers around Auschwitz.  And if you find dirt then you will also find bones.”

The sound of my feet on gravel echoed in my head.  I heard only bits and pieces of what Peter said about the buildings we passed.  “-keep women for sex, medical experiments, cafeteria,” were a few words that floated into my conscious.  Then we stopped again.  It was the gas chambers disguised as showers.  Afterward, the crematorium.

“This is the end of my tour.  You are able to continue unguided to Birkenau if you choose.”

Jeanne and Bert looked to me.  After all, I was the one who wanted to come.  I shook my head.  I was done.  We began to walk toward the visitor’s center.

Bert said, “Coffee?”

“I’ll be right there,” I said.

I couldn’t believe I was doing it, but I approached Peter.  “Thank you for the tour.  We weren’t really with the group.”

Peter chuckled warmly.  “Really, three beautiful young women with a bunch of old people like me?  I didn’t guess.  You are from the United States?”

“Yeah.”

He glanced at the camera around my neck.  “Did you take photos?”

“No, I couldn’t.  It just seemed wrong or something.”

“Many people find it overwhelming.”

“Yeah, coming here was the most, well, I can’t really describe it.  It was the feeling-”  I put my hand on my chest. “I’m sorry I’m not making any sense.”

“These feelings you have is why I love to take young people on my tour.  I wish that young people who know will not allow it, or anything like it, to happen again.  Will you?”

“No sir. I-”

“What is it?”

“I haven’t been so nice, so tolerant.  I -”

Peter placed his hand on my shoulder.  “Right here is the only place to start change.”

There was so much I still wanted to say to him, promises I wanted to make to him, but all I could manage was, “Thank you.”

I began researching for my unit, and unbeknownst to me at the time, Hey, Get a Job! was conceived as well.  During the process of researching and teaching teens about how to get and keep a job, I learned three things which drove me to write Hey, Get a Job!

1. I learned there are not many resources out there for teens seeking their first work experience.  You can find tons of stuff on employment for college graduates, adults seeking career changes, and even senior citizens wishing to return to the workforce.  But teens?  Not so much. What information for teens that is available is spread here and there.  Some of the most valuable tidbits are kept inside the brains of the employers who hire teens.  I know because I interviewed a bunch of them.  It makes one wonder how we could have left out this group.  Perhaps numbers two and three on my list will help explain.
2. I learned kids like to say they know everything, but in actuality, they don’t know anything.  The first time I assigned students to fill out a job application I received grumbles and those often heard words, “This is stupid, I already know how to do this.”  I did not teach the application, I didn’t even provide tips, hints, or don’ts.  What I got was a mass of applications that were unacceptable.  Teens didn’t know how to properly write their address (why would they, they email and text), education history became yes or no questions (YES, I want to attend college), strengths and skills prodded lists of things like the amount of weight one could bench press or the grade on an exam, and my personal favorite, the references they listed were their best friends.  This was just the application.  My students failed miserably at interviews and their knowledge was sorely lacking in regard to the things employers expect.  Do teens know how to get and keep a job like they say they do?  I think not.
3. I learned that adults often mistake a teen’s reluctance to get a job as laziness when it is actually that they are scared.  All kids like money, and believe it or not, the vast majority of my students wanted to earn their own money.  The problem for many of them, however, was that they were intimidated by the adult world of work.  We treat them like kids, we feed them, cloth them, make them do a few chores around the house, and then it seems to them that one day we say, “It’s time to grow up, find a job opening, apply, interview, act mature enough not to get fired and manage the money you make.”   It’s a change that many teens don’t believe they’re ready for and therefore resist.

My hope with Hey, Get a Job! is that it gives kids the comprehensive information they need to have the confidence to make a smooth transition from kids to young adults.  In our society, one of the most important rites of passage from child to adult is the first job.  How can we expect teens to successfully navigate growing up if we don’t provide the necessary tools?  Hey, Get a Job! is, in my biased opinion, a great tool for teens and their parents.

Labor Laws
As the parent of a teen, you should begin with labor laws.  Labor laws regarding minors were created for a child’s safety and to ensure their right to an education.  These topics should be paramount for parents as well.  I would like to say that all employers who hire teens are not going to break or ignore child labor laws, but I can’t.  There are those employers who are looking to save a buck and are therefore willing to overlook child labor laws.  Therefore, setting some ground rules for your teen’s employment should happen before a teen starts to look for a job.  Here are a few examples of those type of ground rules:

• Will not work for an employer who breaks labor laws.
• Will have to quit working if school grades begin to fall.
• Will put _____ % of each check into a savings account.
• Will keep certain days or times for family time.
• Will keep certain days or times for friends or activities.
• Will take on no more than ______ clients in your business.

You should think of the conditions of your teen’s employment.  Just because they are old enough to look for a job, doesn’t mean they aren’t still kids who need boundaries.

Where to Look
Parents can offer suggestions, brainstorm possibilities and help teens research job openings.  But, YOU CANNOT DO IT FOR THEM!!!   Parents should be hidden in this process because your teen must assert their independence if they hope to make it in the world of work.

• Use the Job Service.  One resource not used enough by teens is the Job Service.  The Job Service can put you in contact with employers your teen, or you, may not think of.  The Job Service will often do summer job fairs for teens in the spring and they also are abreast of any government programs available for teens.
• Let your teen use your connections.  Use your connections for your teen’s benefit.  But if your teen is going to learn about the employment process, he or she should fill out an application, or turn in a resume, and they should interview for the job.  Connections should be just that, connections.  Teens should not think of them as sure things.
• Be aware of your surroundings.  There is no law against simply applying at a business. If you are out and about with your teen, have him or her pick up applications, or once they have a master application, he or she can apply at a computer kiosk while you shop.  Do not hang out with your teen while they apply and do not pick up applications for them because he or she needs to appear independent.
• Being their own boss.  A teen’s desire to start a business should be a family one.  Parents should know what the time and/or financial commitment is for them .  What do they need from you – tuition for a babysitting or first aid class, equipment, money for fliers, etc.?  How many clients can they realistically take on and still maintain an appropriate academic level and time for social and family activities?  How much are they going to charge for their services?  Teens are still working on the ability to think ahead, particularly when an idea like making money excites them.  Parents need to help them look beyond the cash.  Parents should also screen possible clients.  Meet and talk with people who want to hire your teen.  Just because your teen is old enough to work, doesn’t mean he or she is too old to need a parent looking out for them.
• Consider volunteering.  In a down economy where jobs are scarce, if your family doesn’t need the money, consider volunteer positions for your teen.  Volunteering can be a great way to gain work experience.  Some possibilities for volunteer work are at:  hospitals, animal shelters, zoos, libraries, nursing homes, children’s programs and any organization with non-profit status.  Your teen will have to apply and interview for volunteer positions because, like employers, organizers don’t want to waste time on someone who won’t work out.  Volunteer work looks very good on applications for employment, college admissions and college scholarships.

A parent’s responsibility in the job process is to help them look for openings and ensure their teen isn’t getting into something that will prove harmful in the present or future.  Keep in mind, however, parents who overstep their role as a guide on important rites of passage such as getting a job may create a teen who refuses to grow up and be independent.  If you support your teen and act as a guide in this exciting endeavor you will get them started on the right foot to becoming a contributing member of society.

For more help, go to www.heygetajob.com.

Nampa mom uses controversial punishment to stop son from bullying  Story | Posted: February 25, 2013

Follow the link to see the story:

Know the signs

Nearly half of adult sex offenders report committing their first sexual offenses prior to the age of 18.  -National Teen Dating Violence Prevention Initiative

Half of the reported date rapes occur among teenagers. -National Teen Dating Violence Prevention Initiative

57% of teens know someone who has been physically, sexually, or verbally abusive in a dating relationship. -National Teen Dating Violence Prevention Initiative

Liz hadn’t even sat down in the counselor’s office before she burst into tears.  When she was able to speak Liz said, “I really liked my boyfriend at first.  I thought he was so cool because he’s older, out of high school and stuff.  Not too long after we started dating he told me he was going to pick me up after school.  I thought that was cool.  Then he insisted that he come and pick me up for lunch too.  O.K., but now he won’t let me go to any games or anything.  I’m not allowed to see my friends.  I hate it!”

“Did you tell him you wanted to spend time with your high school friends?”

“Yeah.  It made him really mad.  He didn’t hit me or anything, but he yelled and told me to quit being immature.”

“What about your parents?  Have you told them about the situation?”

“Sort of, but my parents really like him so they don’t understand.”

“Liz,” Mrs. Hendrickson said, “what do you want me to do to help you?”

Liz stood quickly.  “Nothing.  I guess I just wanted to talk.  I’ll take care of it.”  Liz bolted out the door.  Mrs. Hendrickson made a mental note to keep an eye on Liz.

Within two days, Mrs. Hendrickson was passing through the hall after lunch.  Outside the front doors she noticed Liz in a car out front with her boyfriend.  Mrs. Hendrickson stopped to watch.  Liz tried to move to the car door, but her boyfriend grabbed her arm and pulled her to him.  Liz was crying and the boyfriend was yelling. 

Mrs. Hendrickson saw enough.  She ran to the principal’s office and told him what was going on.  He grabbed the SRO and the three of them went to the car where Liz was being held captive. 

The principal and the SRO went to the driver’s side to escort the boyfriend into the office.  Mrs. Hendrickson opened the passenger door.  “Liz, come with me.” 

Liz was thankful for the help and the support she received.  She ended the relationship with her boyfriend.  Liz’s boyfriend agreed never to return to school property or speak to Liz again if there were no charges pressed against him.  He kept his end of the bargain, and Liz returned to being the fun-loving student everyone knew.

February is national teen dating violence awareness and prevention month. Dating abuse is a form of bullying, and perhaps the most confusing form of harassment for adolescents. After all, they are being abused by the person who supposedly loves them.

An estimated 1 in 3 teens in a dating relationship have been verbally, emotionally, sexually or physically abused.  Here are some things you can do to help teens in abusive relationships:        

• Don’t be the bystander.  Doing nothing will only encourage the harasser.

• Encourage the victim to talk to a trusted adult even if it’s not you.  If they don’t report and abuse persists or becomes severe, you have to take charge.

• What to say (open-ended questions):
  • What does your ideal relationship look like?  Is this relationship close to that ideal?
  • Do you feel respected in your relationship?  Why or why not?
  • Does your boyfriend/girlfriend make you feel good about yourself?
  • How are you going to get out of this relationship?
  • Who can you count on for immediate help?
  • Who are some adults you could go to if your boyfriend/girlfriend treats you badly?
  • How can I help you?

• What to do:
  • Model assertive relationships
  • Rehearse the break-up with the teen
  • Set age appropriate dating limits
  • Create a safety plan that includes places, people and resources that make the victim feel safe
  • Listen to the teen and guide (which is not giving advice) their decision making
  • Assure the teen they don’t deserve to be abused and real love doesn’t involve abuse
  • Encourage the teen to report or seek help from an adult they trust
  • Report the abuse to the authorities if you feel the teen is in physical danger

You may have noticed what you say or do does not include making them break up with their abusive boyfriend/girlfriend.  Trying to make teens do anything usually has the opposite effect.  A more effective strategy is to allow them to come to their own conclusion that the relationship isn’t good for them.  You can also let them know you are there for them and that you care first and foremost for their safety which may include reporting to protect them.

• Stop paying for their stuff.  Teens love their cell phones, computers, video games, driving the car and they believe they have to have those certain brands of clothing and shoes.  There are probably many more things to add to this list, but you get the point.  These things may be called essentials by your teen, but in reality, they are not.  If your teen refuses to look for a job, stop paying for their stuff.  It’s amazing how motivating taking away their luxuries can be.
• Make their life at home more work.  If your teen refuses to help you out financially, then perhaps they could help you out manually.  Give them some added chores.  Perhaps if they clean out the garage they can take the car Saturday night, or being in charge of garbage and recycling may earn them a month’s worth of texting privileges.  Allowing your teen to do nothing is not only unfair to you and your family, it is unhealthy for them.  How can a teen learn to be a contributor to society when they haven’t learned how to pull their weight within their own family?  And, they might decide that they may as well get paid for the work they’re doing and get a job.
• Show them the harsh realities.  Talk to your teen about the realities of having no money.  Share your paycheck, bills and your budget with them.  Find the costs of attending college at their dream school.  Volunteer as a family at a homeless shelter or food bank.  In other words, it’s time to let them in on what all adults know, money is important and it takes hard work to get it and even harder work to keep it.
• Find out if they’re lazy or scared.  Teens love to play it tough and act as though they’re rebelling when in reality they may be apprehensive.  Finding a job for some teens is a scary thing because they realize they have to grow up, talk to adults, take responsibility for themselves and generally leave their comfort zones.  I had really great students in my classes who completely shut down when the topic of jobs comes up.  If your teen is reluctant to look for work, discuss with them (different than yelling at them or doing out punishment) why they don’t want a job.  Let them know you are there to offer suggestions, find resources (http://www.heygetajob.com/), research possibilities and help them through the process of getting a grown up job.

Most teens I’ve taught can’t wait until they’re old enough to get a job.  But for those few who seem uninterested despite the pushing and prodding from their parents, there is hope.  Parents can’t make their teens get a job, but they can employ strategies to motivate employment aspirations.

Go to: www.heygetajob.com for more tips and information.

In this old song, Rockwell captures the feeling that most victims of stalking feel. But it is not a dream. Victims of stalking should know that if they feel like their privacy has been stolen by another, it is stalking. January is Stalking Awareness Month. Because stalking is a form of harassment, it is one of the topics I discuss in Hey, Back Off!  Therefore, this blog provides excerpts from my book and will provide a definition of stalking as well as some things victims can and should do if it is happening to them.

Stalking is a form of harassment and bullying.  Harassment itself is unwanted attention, but stalking takes it a step further.  The victim is unable to ever be away from their harasser.  The victim is followed or put under surveillance.  It violates the victim’s right to privacy. Naturally, when a person’s privacy is taken away they fear for their safety.  Stalking has to be taken very seriously because if it is not stopped it can lead to a serious crime against the victim.  This is why stalking is illegal in all 50 states.

It is an incredibly frightening thing for the victim to know someone is watching.  Because of this, stalking creates a hostile environment.  Example behaviors of stalking are: following, watching the victim’s house or other places the victim will be, unwanted calls or texts, sending unwanted emails or notes.  Whether something is stalking or not is the decision of the victim.  This is important for victims to understand.  If you feel like you are being stalked, then you are and you need to take action to stop it.

Psychologists split stalkers into three different categories.

Love Obsession – The stalker has a fixation on a person even though there is not, nor ever has been, a personal relationship with their victim.

Erotomania - This stalker, like the Love Obsession stalker, harasses someone with whom they have no relationship.  The difference between the two is that the Erotomania stalker believes, or wants to believe, their victim loves them.  The target is often a well-known person.  This could be the popular person at work or a famous actor or actress.

Simple Obsession – This is probably the one we hear of most often.  It is the type of stalking that is triggered by rejection.  There is a previous relationship like a marriage, boyfriend/girlfriend relationship, friendship, etc.  When they are rejected, the stalker ‘gets back at them’ or ‘tries to get them back’ through stalking.

The popular myth is that stalkers are mostly harmless.  However, this statement would be made by the person who isn’t being stalked.  It is true that not all stalking incidences turn violent, but some of them do.  Even if the stalker never gets violent, there is the invasion of privacy.  Nobody likes that feeling of being watched.  Any time someone is made to feel uncomfortable, that’s not harmless.

Dealing with a stalker is stressful and sometimes difficult.  The victim is unable to be away from their harasser.  The victim is put under surveillance.  Their right to privacy is violated so naturally they fear for their safety.  Stalking situations are severe and persistent harassment and should be reported.  Take stalking seriously because often times it leads to a serious crime.  You can try telling them they are making you uncomfortable.  Do not accuse them of being a stalker.  This will put them on the defensive and they could become more unpredictable.  Make sure you talk to them in a safe situation like a public place.   If that doesn’t work, report.  See the tips below.

It is often impossible for victims of stalking to feel safe and secure.  Combating the fear that victims feel, as well as the stalker, requires getting your sense of safety back.  A good way to do this is to have a plan.  This plan should include safe places you can go, safe people to be with, what to do when you’re in crisis, who you can report to and resources that are available to you.  It should also include a password to let your friends and family members know when you are in trouble.  Using a password will get you help without tipping off the stalker that reinforcements are on the way.  Having these things in place may also convince the harasser you are not an easy target.

As well as having a safety plan in place with your allies in life, don’t be alone and always let someone know where you’re going to be.  Change your cell phone number if the stalker is using that number to get to you.  With most cell phone companies changing the number is free.  There are a small number of them that charge a fee of around $15.  Change your email address and lock them out of your social networking sites like Facebook and LinkedIn.  Social network sites, at least good ones, have ways to lock people out or delete them from your network.  Change your routines so you are unpredictable and therefore harder to stalk.

Many stalkers are cowards and won’t pursue you when it becomes difficult to do so.  If the stalker doesn’t back off, you always have the option of getting the law involved.  Your right to privacy, safety and security is protected.

Finding openings – First of all, teens need to research.  There are jobs out there for them, but they need to know where to find them.  Many teens waste precious time searching for jobs in adult sources like the newspaper, adult job websites, etc.  They also have a tendency to wait too long to get a jump on available jobs, particularly if they’re looking for summer employment.  Teens should start in the early spring.

A few good places to look:

• Local Job Service or temp agencies who work with teens
• Connections – we all have them, even teens
• Internet – stick to company websites and sites specifically for teens (www.snagajob.com for example).
• Take a walk and ask for applications
• Be your own boss and start a business
• Volunteer – things that start as volunteer positions can often turn into paid ones, and volunteering looks great on future applications

The application – Teens have to treat the application like it is their one and only shot at getting an interview because, quite frankly, it is.  The application is not the place to do a good job.  It has to be a great.

Keys for filling out applications:

• Create a perfect master application first
• If not typed, write neatly in blue or black ink
• Don’t leave blanks, know the difference between N/A and none
• Find 3 adult references, ask them to be a reference and ask them what they’ll say
• Be honest
• Check it over – a lot
• Know what you have in cyberspace – view it as an employer would

The resume – A resume is defined as a written document that lists your work experience, skills and educational background.  Many teens believe there is no possible way they could write a resume because they have nothing to put on it.  By definition, however, teens have two of the three parts.  Even if a teen has no work history, they should have skills and educational background.  For teen specific templates (work history not required), there are 4 to choose from at http://www.heygetajob.com 

Keys for resume writing:

• Keep it to one page – if a teen can’t get at least 1/2 page, they need to get more involved in extra-curricular activities and community service
• Use a proper format – templates make it easy
• Focus on communication skills, problem solving skills and technical skills
• Be honest
• Check, check and double check – it has to be perfect
• Know what they have in cyberspace – view it as employer would

The interview –  The application or the resume will earn an applicant an interview.  It is the interview that will get them the job.  Everyone is nervous for job interviews, but in order to avoid paralyzing nervousness teens need to prepare for an interview.  Teens need to realize they are going to have to talk to an adult at length, and they are going to have to speak positively about themselves.  Prepare for the interview by doing some research on common interview questions and knowing how to answer those questions.

Keys for a good interview:

• Appearance – clean, dressed for success
• Arrive early for the interview
• Use body language to communicate self-confidence
• Can speak positively about themselves
• Listen carefully to the employer
• Prepare, prepare, prepare

Now is the time to start researching, make connections, clean up cyberspace content and get the application and resume in perfect form.  If you and your teen start this process now, you will be much more relaxed and way ahead of the game come spring time.

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